Dr Henry Cloud

How to End Things :(

/ merri ellen g :) / 2 Comments

traintracks.end

I always thought you had to be FOREVER faithful to people, programs, and institutions to the very end. (One of my key values is loyalty and integrity.) Sadly, I learned the hard way some things and relationships must come to an end. Ouch. Sigh. After years of investing in some thing and someone, if there is no fruit, one must seek the Lord on what to do. Sometimes, He calls us to release.

We are called to be faithful to Jesus first and foremost.

“Endings are necessary, but the truth is that we often do not do them well. Although we need them for good results to happen and for bad situations to be resolved, the reality is that most of us humans often avoid them or botch them.

• We hang on too long when we should end something now.
• We do not know if an ending is actually necessary, or if “it” or “he/she” is fixable.
• We are afraid of the unknown.
• We are afraid of hurting someone.
• We are afraid of letting go and the sadness associated with an ending.
• We do not possess the skills to execute the ending.
• We do not even know the right words to use.
• We have had too many and too painful endings in our personal history, so we avoid another one.
• When they are forced upon us, we do not know how to process them, and we swing or flounder.
• We do not learn from them, so we repeat the same mistakes over and over.”

– Dr. Henry Cloud

A few years ago, I read Henry’s book on “Necessary Endings”. It set me free from some slavery to unhealthy situations, after two attempted mediations.

If this sounds like your situation, you may want to read his book too…

When They Don’t Change?

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What do you do when a person in your life doesn’t change…?

What if it’s your leadership, your employee, a friend, a client, a date, etc…?

Here’s a great refresh from a message I heard long ago and again from a book I read a year ago. Thankfully, there are things you can do before it comes down to walking away or swimming away from a sinking ship. Some boats are repairable still longing for the wind to fill their sails.

Brief overview with video link below…

3 Types of People You Will Encounter:

There are three types of people you encounter in your life, and when you deal with them, you can’t always take the same approach. Research reveals 3 basic categories and we all can behave in these at times in our growth.

They are wise, foolish and evil.

Here they are according to Dr. Henry Cloud:

  1. Wise people: Resource them. Give them more input, knowledge, training, teaching, and whatever you have, because they tend to use it. They’re good people to invest in. You don’t have to do much with these folks except have a good tone, be specific and listen well, and you’ll get great results. They are people of good character. 
  1. Foolish (defensive) people: Remember, more feedback usually does not help. So, why continue to do what doesn’t help? You’re wasting your breath trying to continually talk about a problem that the person is not owning. This is when you have to focus on consequences. If they do A, then it will result in B happening. Sometimes using consequences will get a turnaround, and other times they will go away, as they do not like to be held accountable. 
  1. Evil (destructive) people: With them, not only is there no talking, there is also usually no hope. Get serious about protecting yourself and others from their agenda, and take appropriate action. While group #1 needs input, and group #2 needs consequences, with the third group, you have to go into protective mode. They are out to harm, so make sure your strongest boundaries are intact. 

To learn more tools, I urge you to read Henry’s book, Necessary Endings

Enjoy this clip too!

Reversing Your Death Spiral

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I attended the Global Leadership Summit this year again for perhaps the 5th year. Always extremely valuable. Here’s one golden nugget…

Reversing the Death Spiral of a Leader – Dr Henry Cloud

 

(From his book: “Boundaries for Leaders“)
Leaders don’t blame, they are instead good stewards and take ownership in leading people. A leader needs to be in charge of him or herself.
Attitude is everything.

The brain begins to change when things are out of control. It shuts down…
And in comes the three P’s:

1. The brain interprets disappointment personally.
2. It becomes persuasive. (It’s not just that one person hates me, everyone does.)
3. Disappointment becomes permanent. (It’ll always be this way, it’s not going to change.)

But there is a way out!
(I loved his comment… “Science and the Bible agrees and that’s reality. If they don’t agree, you’ve got wacky science or goofy Christians.”)

How to reverse the 3 Ps:
1. Log and Dispute the negative thoughts. Dispute it with God’s Word.
2. Get back into control. Make 2 columns. One of things you can control, one of things you can’t control. Worry about the things you can’t control – for 5 minutes, then move on to the list of things you CAN control. Like… smile, call someone, do personal leadership development, etc.
3. Connect. The answer to bad is never doing good. The opposite of bad is love. After the Fall, we tried doing good to feel better. Doesn’t work. Love… and you solve problems! One experiment he gave was that scientists had lights and noise outside a monkey and his cage. He went hysterical. Just by putting the monkey’s buddy in the cage, the stress levels of the monkey dropped by 50%.
I’ll find a way!! That’s the attitude a true leader needs. 🙂